Sunday, January 5, 2014
I want to start with an apology to every one . I am very sorry that no matter how much i cry my tears will never wash away my tattoos .
I stayed up all night last night and pushed myself and pushed myself trying to finish a painting and i was so tired and so stressed the harder i pushed the worse it looked . Finally at 7 am i just stopped and put it away .. i stepped into a hot shower to clear my hazy mind , but instead of peace horror struck me . In the comfort of the shower i screamed a gut wrenching scream . My arms wrapped around my c section scar and i feel to my knees .. hot water falling on my back i cried and cried and cried . and screamed..For hours i could do anything but stare at the shower floor through tears and blue hair .. And there am !
I will no longer question if im beautiful ,and you shouldnt ether . I will know longer question my talent as an artist. I this world makes that very hard to do ,but thats why god gave us will power.
I have come to the realization that the TRUTH is ... it is all one big lie . Everything . After 3 marriages , 2 tragically kidnapped children, and a life filled with more adventures than huckleberry Finn . I can tell you all . The pursuit of happiness has been for me a rocky up hill battle starting with mean and cruel school children . Every new town my family moved to , with new faces , unwilling to welcome an intruder . Sometimes with even teachers being unnecessarily cruel .
Then a step father who was extremely cruel .. making me seek love .. NO i .. OH god i needed love so bad .. i search for it in all the wrong places .. running away .. to anywhere .. maybe if i could just get away from where i was some one would love me ... then as a young teen i herd the story's of suicidal teens and i wished . i wished so badly i could have know them .. or the columbine kids .. if i would have known them i could have loved them and the bad things would never have happened(to them or me) , not only that but if they needed someone to love them that badly maybe they would love me .
I have been asked over and over how do you get married 3 times at only 21 ( im 25 now) and ill tell you very simply . i want someone to love . Love is allways so far out of my reach . And now January 15 2014 I have to daughters over a thousand miles away from me ... kidnapped .. by the people who made me the creature i am today .. this creature i am i am not ashamed of .. but it isn't what i want for them .. there stuck in the world i was trying so damned hard to run away from .. silent hill? the others? (movies)fuck you this is a real horror story .. Here i am in Oklahoma in a stable home . I play housewife every day for a family that isn't even mine . I have no lover . I have no true friend . .. And in Georgia there are my two beautiful girls ... i cant see pictures i cant call ... i cant even talk to them . All because of the lies . I have not broken any laws or even been deemed unfit .. And to this day my mothers words tare through my memories like nails on a chalk board. "God gave me your children, and i have enough money that there is nothing you can do about it ."
They say i am so many Honorable things , a druggy a thief , a murder, a violent abusive criminal. And because I wear my painful memories on my skin as tattoos . every one believes .. No matter how sweet i am it will never fade the ink.
Never mind .. its all a rant anyway . Possibly i feel i need to type away my feelings .. but i hope my daughters read this one day ...
Star ,Emily , I'm very sorry I am doing all i can . .. Linda Maddox , is not your mother , I am . I know she made you call her mommy but that's not your fault ..I f you find this and im gone .. just know Every thing they told you is a lie..I miss you...
Minka loves you .. oh i just with i could tell you .. hear ur voice and tell you .. i love you...