Sunday, April 17, 2016

Wisdom vs. knowledge.. THE TRUTH what caused my ptsd and, how i survive it

                                Wisdom vs. Knowledge..

         is bringing back the dark ages
                              2.what caused my ptsd
                              3. Surviving ptsd
                              4. The dream in my heart
                             A little P.S.    I would like to inform all who read this and don't know me I am a ordained minister, and while I AM  Buddhist and Yogi , and or guru don't normally get ordained it was a necessary step I took to gain the ability to practice inside jails and prisons.  Hebrew 13 .... look it up...  

1...  Is our technology improving our lives, or is it only a illusion to band-aid our empty hearts. We are comforted instantly and forget the things that we wanted, things not tangible but emotionally and mentally valuable. Why take a difficult climb to morale values , an enlightened mind, and self respect , when a Facebook game gives instant gratification? Not only do we have idiots who lost reality for digital addiction , we lost a large portion of our empathy.  However , it isn't the technology its the people using it. Technology is like a immortal weeping willow tree. Its constantly growing , with ideas and discovery gently expanding, throughout branches spouting twigs that sometimes grow into substantial limbs , and sometimes don't    ... like the baby cage .... hanging a baby out the window sounds insane now ,its a perfect example ,


     However,when our technology continues multiplying most of our people , are not prepared for or flat out ignore,the change that comes with it . We should use our technology wisely and make our planet the best it can be , but instead it makes almost all effort optional. Unfortunately, for those of us who do want to make our world better , there are anonymous idiots, illiterate egg heads , and drama trolls making our path more difficult than ever. This is the knowledge of our great minds being used without wisdom.   While the  saying 'give a man a fish' was floating around we taught a man to fish , but we should have 'gave' the man that fish and friendship , shared a bottle of wine, teach him something and let him teach you something, then become friends on Facebook , and stay involved in a healthy friendship.            


2..... If you are new, I started this blog because , I lost my daughters and just in case ,something happened to me , before i finally got justice i wanted to leave them my wisdom, my compassion , and my thoughts, if i never again am able to speak openly to ,or even see, my daughters again at least they will have this . Its been belittled quite a bit, but so have I and opinions of a fly never bothered the spider.

!As for the ptsd, a narcissistic mother, With a extremely exaggerated  sense of here own importance ,the NEED to be absolutely needed and constantly receive admiration are pursued relentlessly with no empathy or compassion  for anyone else .         recorded in 2009... 

The moment my world crushed under the oppression my parents had me under is far from when i actually started speaking out  , She took my 1st daughter and turned around the actual situation leaving me paralyzed in depression. My stepfather abused my body with violence, and they both abused my mind. She convinced me (by burying me in guilt  and shame ) that I was simply a  problem child. It started with her telling me false storys from , how her parents where abusive and her life had been hard . As i grew older she convinced me every human suffers the same loneliness as a child. ((complete isolation from extended family , and using harsh exclusion from our 3 part family unit, she manipulated my behaviors . While I do understand my actions are my own,however i was a child, and my own mother and her husband bullied me so badly i was attempting suicide multiple times, i was constructing large scale plans for running  away , including but not limited to at age 12 hitchhiking 20 miles from paden okla to Okemah and was pulled by police officers out of a semi truck... and age 15 i took my 20 year old boyfriends car and drove away .... a attempt to escape that almost worked, until i fell asleep behind the wheel and drove off a cliff , the car spinning in the air flipped twice and after being pulled out by the jaws of life was helicoptered to the er....


But i started my blog , thinking she was right , and convinced that I would never see my babys again, i felt that even if i never saw my daughters i had HAD to try to reach them. My husband died and i saw his children go into his mothers custody , that gave me a overwhelming feeling of mortality. And then directly after the three weeks i spent, overwhelmed with grief,by his side,  watching him die , my mother convinced me to stay with her. She was like a adolescent, the way she pushed to call all the shots and became defensive over her right to control the parenting methods used. Every step of the way she refused my advice and even became insulted when i gave my opinions. I started to see her doing the same things she did with me , only worse. Emily had become out  of control with her behavior, and instead of handling situations with maturity and grace she acted in ways to spoil emily , she appeased emilys negative behavior giving her whatever she wanted , and then when she felt over aggravated acted irrationally  , such as jerking her by the arm , holding her down on the couch because she refused to sit in time out. And saying things that where extremely cruel  and uncalled for , like this will make Jesus mad at you , or you make my life so stressful I cant have anything ,or be anything or do anything because your a bad child, or OH HOW DO I HATE YOU LET ME COUNT THE WAYS. 

Then star who i had been raising using respect for her , whom once acted respectfully and gently, because i communicated with star , she was never a objet to suffer for, but instead my very reason of life, a tiny little human , beautiful, smart , funny , and my whole world. So combining the two sisters was most difficult for Star, she even told me flat out once that emily was to rough on her and she wanted to come home. And every time she asked me if she could come home it was like a knife in my heart . She began asking do you still want me?? Do you you still love me ? And that broke me in two.
 While was at my mothers house after my husband died it was magical to have her with me again and we where inseparable. All except the times i left to work she wouldn't leave my sight. Eventually I was so disgusted at the way they lived , my maternal instincts took over , it became impossible for me to not stand my ground and argue with my mother. Its always been important to my mother to pick an argument over nothing just to show me shes got control over me ...There was even a time , which i bring up in the recorded phone call , where star and Emily had both gotten a box of turbo snail gummies , Emily ate all of hers but Star saved hers , she said she wanted to save them for when we rented the turbo movie, and hid them in her underwear drawer   . Emily  got into stars clothes and took and ate half of them. I was instinctively trying to talk to emily , about the rights and wrongs of stealing , of boundaries and respect, and my mom was extremely angry, she began ranting in anger that they where just candy and she would get star more, and then when i tryed to explain why it wasn't just the candy , she really went off . She told me i wasn't mentally capable of parenting Emily , and degraded my past life choices even though they happened before Emily was born, and had nothing to do with parenting. She even pressed to me that by leavening  Emily bio father I had shown i didn't care about Emily's wellbeing. Of course thats how she got her to begin with, she manipulated me into thinking
 ((at 18)) that if i left my husband he would take emily from me. Now she had Emily, and she was claiming Emily had a learning disorder, which i am sure is only her neglect, and inability to communicate with Emily. Star was just stuck in the sand, forced to stay there where Emily was running rampant because her behavior was never put in check. 
My presence there was more than a threat to her by standing in between her and the innocence she was feeding on from my children, I also was a flaw in her fantasy world. I was going to a church that accepted me, I was kind and respective to the family she worked so hard and so long to isolate me from , and I stood right in between her and Gary when they acted spiteful or inappropriately to the girls . So eventually they Had to get rid of me , and while i refused to leave without star going with me , they threatened to get the police involved, and even threatened to never let me even call my daughters on the phone. Finally her husband started treating me worse and worsen, my mother told me my being there was causing everyone stress, and my stepfather even swung at me to punch me a couple of times, with my daughters watching. And when star started calling me mom again it was just to much for my mom , she forced my daughter to call her mom , and even told strangers she was there mother.


 When the day came for me to get on a greyhound bus star was devastated, she begged my mother to let her stay crying and begging. On the hour long drive to the bus station, i set backwards in my seat an held her hand while she and i  both cried silent  tears, knowing that there was no way to be together. It broke my heart to see my tiny girl , with a poker face blank and pale cry silent tears like most adults cant manage. I wanted to show my daughter the kindness and magic our world holds , instead she was seeing how cold and heartless it could be . I only could picture the animals on our farm being weaned from there offspring, screaming across pastures just to hear there babies scream back, and my childhood pet pursy biting a chunk out of my mothers hand for trying to grab one of her puppies.  I was broken hearted and stuck in a pit of helpless terror . And still am haunted by memories and nightmares.

I ONCE WAS MUNIPULATED BY HER INCREADABLE ACTING, but now i could see the full monster. I knew something wasn't right the whole time , especially since begged her to leave Gary from preteen and on , but even after she left him to go to Georgia, he eventually moved on with her there to. While Gary was her tool he had his limits , his daughter had a son ,Harley,  who often stayed with us. She was reasonably strict with Harley while Gary was around, but when he wasn't she was cruel and abusive  , pick him up and shake him, slap him in the back of the head
This is my mother i secretly recorded her confessing to kidnapping my daughters and then acting in fraudulent abuse of the court system , by filling a petitions for custody of my child in georgia based on abandonment ,after losing a case in Oklahoma where she intentualy provoked her husband into kidnapping her across 4 state lines, visiting grandma ment never seeing mommy again , im her daughter she isolated me from her family and panted her monster onto my silhouette, she is cruel and lacks any empathy.. the onlything she sees is i wouldn't let her control my life and my religious beliefs, but even when i did let her control me i wasnt good enough,im the burden that she suffered , and now she has my children , projecting false illnesses and still wining about how hard her life is ,??because of me ?? , im 27 and this woman gave me post traumatic stress disorder , she scared me so badly by manipulating others into destroying my life , i honestly felt that our countries values where a myth , like dragons or unicorn farts, especially when the Blairsville Georgias court kept pushing me out refusing my potitions ,and refusing to give me the right to defend myself even though it was clearly fraud and double jepordy, she did this with my first daughter((being a victim of life long mental and emotional abuse i didnt understand my rights) so when she came for my second daughter i did everything i could to keep her rights in my power and out of reach , but even though i won custody she found a way to get her to .... i have been hurt deeply by not only losing my babys but losing them to a monster who made me feel so very worthless and unloved as a child and an adult , she thought throwing me in the streets when i was pregnant the government would give her a right to my children but her narcissistic practice of makeing me feel sorry for her my ENTIRE life has given me a great amount of empathy ,while i was never strong enough to protect myself i can not ignore her destroying my daughters          


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