Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Truth about the Lie(a true horror story).... by minka alexander


                           I want to start with an apology to every one . I am very sorry that no matter how much i cry my tears will never wash away my tattoos . 

           I stayed up all night last night and pushed myself and pushed myself trying to finish a painting and i was so tired and so stressed the harder i pushed the worse it looked . Finally at 7 am i just stopped and put it away .. i stepped into a hot shower to clear my hazy mind , but instead of peace horror struck me . In the comfort of the shower i screamed a gut wrenching scream . My arms wrapped around my c section scar and i feel to my knees .. hot water falling on my back i cried and cried and cried . and screamed..For hours i could do anything but stare at the shower floor through tears and blue hair .. And there  am !

      I will no longer question if im beautiful ,and you shouldnt ether  . I will know longer question my talent as an artist. I this world makes that very hard to do ,but thats why god gave us will power.

      I have come to the realization that the TRUTH is ... it is all one big lie . Everything . After 3 marriages , 2 tragically kidnapped children, and a life filled with more  adventures than huckleberry Finn . I can tell you all . The pursuit of happiness has been for me a rocky up hill battle starting with mean and cruel school children . Every new town my family moved to , with new faces , unwilling to welcome an intruder . Sometimes with even teachers being unnecessarily cruel .  
     Then a step father who was extremely cruel .. making me seek love .. NO i .. OH god i needed love so bad .. i search for it in all the wrong places .. running away .. to anywhere .. maybe if i could just get away from where i was some one would love me ... then as a young teen i herd the story's of suicidal teens and i wished . i wished so badly i could have know them .. or the columbine kids .. if i would have known them i could have loved them and the bad things would never have happened(to them or me) , not only that but if they needed someone to love them that badly maybe they would love me . 

I have been asked over and over how do you get married 3 times at only 21 ( im 25 now) and ill tell you very simply . i want someone to love . Love is allways so far out of my reach . And now January 15 2014 I have to daughters over a thousand miles away from me ... kidnapped .. by the people who made me the creature i am today .. this creature i am i am not ashamed of .. but it isn't what i want for them .. there stuck in the world i was trying so damned hard to run away from .. silent hill? the others? (movies)fuck you this is a real horror story .. Here i am in Oklahoma in a stable home . I play housewife every day for a family that isn't even mine . I have no lover . I have no true friend . .. And in Georgia there are my two beautiful girls ... i cant see pictures i cant call ... i cant even talk to them . All because of the lies . I have not broken any laws or even been deemed unfit .. And to this day my mothers words tare through my memories like nails on a chalk board. "God gave me your children, and i have enough money that there is nothing you can do about it ." 

    They say i am so many Honorable things , a druggy a thief , a murder, a violent abusive criminal. And because I wear my painful memories on my skin as tattoos  . every one believes .. No matter how sweet i am it will never fade the ink.

   Never mind .. its all a rant anyway . Possibly i feel i need to type away my feelings .. but i hope my daughters read this one day ... 

   Star ,Emily , I'm very sorry I am doing all i can .  .. Linda Maddox , is not your mother , I am . I know she made you call her mommy but that's not your fault ..I f you find this and im gone .. just know Every thing they told you is a lie..I miss you...

     Minka loves you .. oh i just with i could tell you .. hear ur voice and tell you .. i love you...

1 comment:

  1. now thats what a panic attack is for real...
    and you know you cant force things like a painting.
    i broke a bolt off my clutch drum over tired but not wanting to stop..expensive dumbass crap..its still not pulled.then to a machine shop...
    the rest of the anxiety is you want to change stuff up but is beyond your control
    all the cruelty is on the offender and your absorbing it like an unlit wick..
    its on